The Party Goes On by Maines J P

Author:Maines, J P [Maines, J P]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: J P Maines
Published: 2012-10-24T22:00:00+00:00

15. My Bottom Line

It occurred to me on July 21st that I was in love with Philip Lucas.

It also occurred to me it had been a year since graduation, depressingly. Same life, same job, same shit. Brand new day. It seemed as though either the matter of my brain had softened slightly, or I had learned something new about myself and the world and that it had the power to take you any direction it wanted, against your will even. Everything I had learned about keeping ‘the wall’ up had seemed to gradually be thrown by the wayside, in the gutter, down the shitter, and now, it seemed none of that stuff concerned me anymore, it was like I was a whole other person in a different headspace, or it didn’t seem like me at all. I had entered into a new phase, despite being stuck in the same old shitty rut, because I felt like I could no longer call myself ‘free’ anymore. Of course, none of this was all official.

Myself and Philip still haven’t had ‘the talk’ yet, and he seems to shimmy away at every hurdle or approach I attempt to bring it up. Where are we going? He keeps me on a never-ending question mark to the question on my tongue; yearning to find a full stop, all the comma’s exhausting me. His objectives still remain very unclear, in the shadows, elusive even, but all I know is that I am determined to persevere with this project of making him mine, hoping and praying that I can be nonchalant enough to eventually make him see that I am the only man he can really trust. Excluding my secret rampage at 3am in London with Olivier.

And yet, it all remains so fucking tragic and sad, as I was quickly beginning to feel so much and get so many intense and resounding feelings for this man in my head, my gut and heart, and yet I still with every passing day, have absolutely no fucking clue what is really going on in his head. Every time someone mentions his name or I see him, it stabs me, like someone is prodding me with a knife constantly, and I go cold, the blood pumping through my veins, beating around my heart, fall’s spectacularly in temperature as if he is a storm coming to desecrate me. My heart comes up in my mouth, and my whole being stands up like electric, and all at once my mind flushes with a million thoughts, concerns, dreads, and worries.

Firstly, there have been several circumstances over these passing weeks, after the events of London, where he had begun to cancel our meetings and dates right at the last second due to work, family events or domestics, or the classic escape clause – coming down with something. This was almost always followed by the usual ‘Mwah!’ and plenty of kisses at the close of a text message. Was he just unsure of me, and the

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.